My Heart's In This
by fortheloveofpoetry
Summary: Spencer Ashley LOOOVE. Spence is a writer in college. Meets Ashley in a complicated way. Mmm. Drama
1. College

**Author's Note: **Hey guys, this is the first chapter of my new ff. I'm excited about this idea so it shouldn't be a problem getting through it. Reviews are bueno!! :)

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'_She wasn't like anyone else; she was so much more than that.'_

I spaced out as he spoke. I was just in awe of this moment. I was buying a laptop, first real big purchase I had ever made with my own money. Not to mention it was for college. 'College' we can go ahead and add that to my list of scariest things ever. Along with marriage, that chick from the ring, and pickles.

"This one is your best bet if you're more into using—"

'What the fuck was this guy talking about? RAM? Video cards? And what the fuck is CPU usage?' I didn't care. My main loves were music, photography, and writing. I just needed a place where I could bring all three together.

By the time I had left Best Buy, I had a new HP something or another, with 320 giga-somethings and a lot of RAM, whatever the hell that is. As soon as I got home I began transferring over my poetry from my notebooks. I stumbled upon an old poem I hadn't read in years. I smiled as I recalled the memory that sparked the inspiration for it.

'We put forth the effort to push back, against all that pushes us.

That challenges our presence.

They say we're so different.

Yet I hear opposites attract.

I know we are greater than this.

That these moments will forever linger in the glory of what we will end up as.

We will set boundaries and then break them of our own accord.

Leaving the world baffled in our grace. Our truth. Our existence.

This is only the beginning, never doomed with an ending.

Because our beauty has yet to speak.

We will be more.

We will be.'

I laughed silently to myself, recalling the night I wrote it. I was a freshman in high school and 'in love' Funny how as you grow older you look back and realize how young and naïve you were. It so wasn't love. He was my boyfriend from seventh grade until tenth and that poem was dead wrong. We were never anything more, or greater, and our beginning was definitely met with an ending. Pretty sure he's married now…

Hindsight's 20/20. It sucks, you never see the barefaced truth until you take a step back and look at the bigger picture. That was always my problem. That damn bigger picture. Guess I'm myopic in a sense. I'm always too close to the picture, picking at the arduous details. And over-analyzing? Ha, my face is next to the definition in good ol' Webster. Maybe it wasn't necessarily a bad thing, except when it kept me up all night, or got me fired, or got me into three fender benders. 'Fuck' Unfortunately my mind doesn't have an off switch, but that's why I put pen to paper, because when my mind gets to rambling, my hand gets to noting, documenting, and decoding all my babbled feelings and ideas.


	2. And the pickles and the pickles

**Author's Note: **Hey guys, here's chapter two. I know I know, short posts! I'm sorry but writing has been a struggle for me lately and I don't want to keep you guys waiting too long between posts. I promise my next post will be longer. Reviews are like totally welcome, as always. Thanksss :D

OH and also, Thanks Meagan **(everythingisnothing) **for helping spark the idea of this FF

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Hindsight's 20/20. It sucks, you never see the barefaced truth until you take a step back and look at the bigger picture. That was always my problem. That damn bigger picture. Guess I'm myopic in a sense. I'm always too close to the picture, picking at the arduous details. And over-analyzing? Ha, my face is next to the definition in good ol' Webster. Maybe it wasn't necessarily a bad thing, except when it kept me up all night, or got me fired, or got me into three fender benders. 'Fuck' Unfortunately my mind doesn't have an off switch, but that's why I put pen to paper, because when my mind gets to rambling, my hand gets to noting, documenting, and decoding all my babbled feelings and ideas.

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I couldn't sleep. Tomorrow was much too huge for sleep. I found myself sitting and wondering how things were going to go at school. I think it was about 4am when sleep finally took a hold of me. I had to be at the school by 10am and it was 2 hours away. I was going to be looking into housing on campus, and talking to the representative for the college. I woke up to a familiar ring tone. My best friend calling me to tell me she would be at my house in a few minutes. I ran around getting ready. This was so exciting, going to college, making something of myself. I was just finishing getting ready when my best friend walked in. She never used the doorbell, I never used it at her house either.

"Hey Spence you ready to go?" Sarah called from the other room.

"Yeah babe one second I'm brushing my teeth." I called with my toothbrush already in my mouth.

"Alright! I'm going to scrounge around your kitchen for some food and drink for the drive." She said with a chuckle.

I smirked and rolled my eyes, typical.

I finished brushing my teeth and we headed out, just the two of us and the open road. This was so exciting. Yet back to being totally scary. In that very instant Sarah pulled a pickle out of the cooler. You have got to be kidding.

"SARAH WHAT THE FUCK?!" I screamed, backing myself as far against the passenger door as I could. I thought about bailing out of the car. We were going 70 mph. I reconsidered.

"It's all you had in your fridge?" She questioned. I knew she was lying.

"Why do you torture me?!" I said frantic, and watching the pickle in her hand intently. She placed in back in the cooler and raised her hand in apology. I sat still uneasy, worried the pickle would jump out of the cooler. Yes, it's that serious.

The ride was fun after the pickle incident was over. I loved spending time with Sarah because it didn't happen often. When we got there I was immediately lost. This place was huge, and I was scared. I mentally added large buildings to my list of scariest things. Along with possibly ejecting myself from a car going 70 mph. The realization washed over me, in a few short months this was going to be my future. Funny how exciting and scary life can be. At the very same time no less. I took a deep breath and walked into the school. My life was about to change forever, I just had no idea.


	3. Ms DDDavies

**Author's Note:** Hey guyyyys I LIED! I know, this isn't any longer than the last one. Sorry *laughs nervously* I promise next chapter will be longer... PROMISEEE k thanks. review?

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The realization washed over me, in a few short months this was going to be my future. Funny how exciting and scary life can be. At the very same time no less. I took a deep breath and walked into the school. My life was about to change forever, I just had no idea.

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"You okay Spence?" Sarah asked, concerned. Apparently my fears and doubts were written on my face.

"Yeah, just, nervous.." I replied, drifting off on my statement.

'Nervous? What a fucking understatement.'

Just then a woman walked up to me.

"HI! Welcome to Devinson University!" She stated loudly, extending her hand.

"Thanks, I'm Spencer" I replied, taking her hand.

"My name is Victoria, I assume you're here for the tour?" She said, reading my face intently.

I find myself a bit uncomfortable under her stare.

"Y-yes." I stuttered. Fuck my stutters.

"Okay! Well right this way Spencer, and um.." She stopped.

"Oh this is my best friend Sarah." I said gesturing towards her.

"Alrighty! Right this way Spencer and Sarah." She said heels clicking as she marched like she was on a mission.

I was immediately taken back by how large the school looked inside. I mean outside, obviously, it was a big place, guess it just looked so much bigger once you stepped inside.

The tour began, all of us in this particular group shared the same classes, even if they were at different times. I was really looking forward to English. Obviously, writing is my favorite thing. I waited patiently as we filed through the different classes, learning about the curriculum and our teachers, finally last stop on the tour was English. I was pleased with the size of the class, not too large, but not too small either. I did a quick count of the desks, realizing the teacher student ratio wasn't too bad.

I can't remember if I had ever stopped breathing so fast in my entire life. My English teacher was an older woman, seemed nice. That wasn't why I found myself breathless. Some classes were going to have interns training with the teacher, future prospects if you will. My English teacher's intern was stunning. She stood shyly next to the teacher, hair in a bun, black framed glasses, and completely breathtaking.

"Hi, potential students of mine. My name is Mrs. Carver, and this is my teacher-in-training Ms. Davies.

'Ms. Davies' Such a simpleton kind of name. She seemed so far from that general and vague delineation. I took in her features, first the ones that stood out, followed by the minor ones. The attribute that stood out most, and definitely first, was the shy smile that swept across her face upon being introduced to the tour group. Then it was her eyes, hidden behind the thin lens of her glasses. Soft golden brown, like thick honey. I was captivated, hoping she was as sweet as honey too.


	4. A blip in the what?

**Author's Note: **Hey guys, sorry for the delay, here's Chapter 4. I'm currently trying to enroll into college, and i'm going to be working 40 hours a week soon, so my posts will definitely be slacking. I am very sorry for that, but I will try to post as often as I can. Thanks for sticking by me through all of this. Enjoy the chapter! Reviews are always welcome!!

-Missy**

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'Ms. Davies' Such a simpleton kind of name. She seemed so far from that general and vague delineation. I took in her features, first the ones that stood out, followed by the minor ones. The attribute that stood out most, and definitely first, was the shy smile that swept across her face upon being introduced to the tour group. Then it was her eyes, hidden behind the thin lens of her glasses. Soft golden brown, like thick honey. I was captivated, hoping she was as sweet as honey too.**

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I found myself still thinking about her long after the tour was over. That night I laid in bed, my heart pounding, my breath short, all this happening when I thought of her. I called Sarah, hoping she would know what to do.

"Hello?" Sarah answered groggily. I shot a glance at the clock and cringed. 4am.

"Hey sorry babe I didn't mean to wake you.." I started, hoping she wasn't mad.

"No it's fine, everything okay?" She questioned, sounding concerned.

"Yeah I just.. I can't get this girl off of my mind…" I paused.

"What girl?" Sarah asked, she seemed to be more awake now.

"You remember on the tour, the English class? The teach in training… Ms. Davies…" I drifted off, nervous about her reaction.

"No way.. you are crushing on your teacher's INTERN! Spence you better be careful, that's got bad news written all over it." She warned me. She was always looking out for me, and I appreciated that.

"I know, I know. This is a bad idea, but I can't get her off my mind. She's been there since I saw her." I sighed, this always happened. Well falling for teachers in training didn't always happen, obviously. But I always fell for unattainable women. Whether it was because they were straight, taken, or a teacher in training. It always happened.

"Just be careful babe. I don't want you to get kicked out of school because of something like this." Sarah said, concerned.

I sighed. She was right. I needed to get over this now, I couldn't afford to get attached.

"Thanks best friend." I smiled, I heard her smile too. I could always tell when she was smiling.

"Okay you can go back to sleep now." I chuckled.

"Gee, thanks!" She laughed back.

"Okay I love you, call me tomorrow okay?" I asked, almost pleading.

"I love you too, of course." She replied.

We said our goodnights and got off the phone.

I fell asleep, my last thought being Ms. Davies. This was trouble. I knew it.

I awoke in a panic, my phone was going off.

"Hello?" I answered, rubbing my eyes to check the time. 8am. Damn.

"Hello, may I please speak to Spencer Carlin?" The person asked. The voice was husky, rough, female, and sexy. Not in the norm for random people with sexy voices to call me.

I cleared my throat and let the person know I was Spencer Carlin.

"Hi Spencer, this is Ms. Davies, Mrs. Carver's intern." Ms. Davies said.

I froze, and pinched myself. Because this had to be a dream.

"OW!" I yelled out.

"Are you okay?" She asked concerned.

"What?? YEAH! Yeah.. ha.. yeah I'm good. I'm great. I just stubbed my toe on my bed. Ha I'm fine, Ms. Davies you said? Hi, what can I do for you?" I am such an idiot, rambling to the girl I drooled over last night.

I heard a long pause on the other end.

"Hello?" I said. 'Good job Spence, you are so freaky you scared her into silence. Creep.'

"Oh sorry, I was looking something up. I just wanted to let you know you have a permanent seat in the class. There was a blip in the system, and you were emailed saying you were not granted access to the class during this upcoming semester. Mrs. Carver wanted me to call you and let you know, that email was sent out to everyone as a result of an error pertaining to the internal mailing system." She finished. What a sophisticated woman.

I thought to myself, didn't recall receiving this email. I blew it off and assumed it automatically went into my spam folder, and I deleted it without checking.

"Oh, well thank you for calling and clearing that up, Ms. Davies." I smiled. She was instantly more attractive because of her voice.

"No problem, Spencer. See you soon. Have a nice evening." She said.

We hung up and my heart felt like it was going to blow up. Her voice, her smile, her eyes, her everything. It was killing me. I decided to write to try and take my mind off of it.. that definitely didn't work out.

I found that all my poems reminded me of her. Even when the circumstances weren't fitting at all. How could I be this drawn to someone I've only met once?

I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but I had to do something. I couldn't let my instant attraction to this girl mess up my education, everything I had worked so hard for. I just couldn't.


	5. A picture could never say

**Author's Note: **Hey guys! Here's chapter 5. There's going to be a slight hiatus from this FF. Reason being, personal life has gotten in the way. I really don't want to ruin the peppy spirit of this FF by being all angsty. However it won't be too long. I try not to stray far. I may post some one shots for the time being. Please don't hate me, and keep an eye out! Thanks guys. Sorry for the inconvenience!! Reviews are welcome, as alwaysss.

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I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but I had to do something. I couldn't let my instant attraction to this girl mess up my education, everything I had worked so hard for. I just couldn't.**

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Getting settled into my dorm was fairly simple. I didn't bring much, only the things I needed. I left my knick knacks at home with mom and pops. Moving was colossal, and it only made the whole thing more real. I was in a trance glancing around the dorm. About this time, Sarah came stumbling in, bitching – typical.

"What the fuck is in this box?? Human remains?" She said as she placed it down, huffing.

I laughed at her. She complained a lot but she enjoyed the stupid little things we did together. I couldn't believe how real this was. Talk about growing up, sheesh.

Within a couple of hours, I was completely moved in, and hugging Sarah goodbye. We both cried, because even a couple hours of space seemed like too much. I promised to call, and to visit when I could. Pinky promised.

The night seemed lonely. I was used to the noises of my parents fumbling about, my dogs barking, and my neighbors being obnoxiously loud. Hell I even missed that. I felt a little like this was a mistake. I was following my dream, it was just a very dark abandoned and lengthy path. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that I was doing the right thing, that even though I was going to struggle, and even though it was going to be hard, that I had to do this, for me, no one else.. just me.

My first day of English came before I realized and I wasn't sure if I was ready for this. I hadn't been able to get Ms. Davies off of my mind. I hated calling her Ms. Davies, it made her sound old. I decided to check the school website before class. I scanned through the departments.

English I – Literature and Writing

Teacher – Carver, Anne

Intern – Davies, Ashley

Ashley. I love that name. I sighed and frowned, this was bad. I grabbed my books and made my way to class.

Upon entering, the first thing I noticed was lack of people, the second thing I noticed was her. I knew I was here right before class started, so either there wasn't class and I was wrong, or people were late and/or not coming. I took a seat up front, the closer to her beautiful face; the better. The class ended up only being me and one other person, perfect. Really? Only two? Did no one take their education serious these days? So as you can imagine, two people, a teacher and an intern. One with one, one with the other. I obviously wanted Ashley, but figured I would have been better off with Mrs. Carver. My luck isn't very good, I got Ashley. Not helping my efforts, or my attraction.

"Hey Spencer, I'm just going to sit down with you and tell you what to expect this semester, and fill you in about all the major projects and assignments." She said, as she sat down in the desk next to me.

She smelled amazing, which didn't help my cause. I cursed myself quietly. I couldn't believe I was letting myself be so attracted to this girl. This woman. My peer. I cringed, visibly.

"Are you okay?" Ashley asked, genuinely concerned.

"Huh? Yeah sorry, back is hurting." I lied, good cover.

"Oh I'm sorry, a little young for back pain." She joked and chuckled.

Her laugh, oh her laugh. She was killing me. She was so cute, and so sweet. I needed to find something that was wrong with this girl, anything. Just so I could focus on that, and not my growing attraction to Ms. Davies. Ashley.

"You look mid internal debate.." She stated.

Fuck.

"Sorry, I'm just thinking about the final project, and what I may want to do for it." I lied, again.

"Well, you have time." She said, laughing.

The final project was really cool though. I liked the concept of it. Use words and pictures to show how an emotion makes you feel. I knew it wouldn't be easy, and I liked the challenge of it. This class was going to teach me a lot, I knew that, how much it would though? I had no idea.


	6. Home is where the heart is

**Author's Note: **Hey hey! Hiatus wasn't very long. I can't stay away from writing for extended periods of time. It's like all these nagging voices suddenly show up, whispering stuff like PMS.. NOW.. so.. here's Chapter 6. I will try and have another post, maybe even two up, before the night's out. Enjoy. Reviews are welcome. Duh.

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The final project was really cool though. I liked the concept of it. Use words and pictures to show how an emotion makes you feel. I knew it wouldn't be easy, and I liked the challenge of it. This class was going to teach me a lot, I knew that, how much it would though? I had no idea.

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I sat at home, bored. All I could think about was Ashley. She was so beautiful. My homework had been done for hours, and my attempt at writing had ended as quickly as it began. I couldn't get my mind for writing, out of this really dark place. So I left the pen and paper alone.

I decided to call my mother, I missed her a lot. Being so far made me really uneasy. I didn't like the thought of missing out on everything back home.

I glanced momentarily at the clock. I didn't want to wake anyone up. It was only 9, they should still be roaming around.

"Hello?" My mom answered.

"Hey mom!" I said, excited.

"Spencer!! Hi honey! How are you? How's college? How's your roommate? How's your studies? How's –" She stopped.

I heard my dad briefly in the background.

"Stop asking her so many damn questions and let her answer one!" He yelled.

"Shut up! I will ask her whatever I want. Weren't you going to bed anyways?" She retorted.

"I'll go to bed when I feel like it! Dammit woman." He grumbled.

I began to chuckle. My parents were happily married, but the always had little bickers about nothing.

"I'm sorry sweetie, your father is being himself, you know how that goes." I could hear her smile. It made me smile.

"What is that supposed to mean? What are you trying to say?" I heard my dad start up again.

I sighed loud enough for my mom to catch that this isn't what I called for.

"I'm trying to ask our daughter about her college experience, shut up." She said sternly to my dad.

"Anyways, honey, how's college?" My mom asked politely.

"It's good mom. My roommate hasn't showed up yet, so for now it's just me by my lonesome. I don't know if I'm even getting one. I guess I'll see in the next couple of days. Studies are good, I'm doing my homework. My classes are boring, but I really like English." I filled her in, leaving out the part where I would say something like..

'My teacher's intern is really hot. I want her. On the desk. So I can do my own personal studies. Not English related.' Yeah I left that part out…

"Well that's good to hear. I'm glad things are going well for you! When are you coming to visit?" She sounded a bit frantic. My dad must be driving her crazy.

"Mom, I just got here?" I chuckled.

"I know, but, I miss you…" She laughed nervously.

"I'll be home as soon as I can. But for now, I need to focus on my classes." My stomach tied into knots. I hated being away from home. I wanted to cry.

I took assertive action. I couldn't start bawling on the phone. Then my mom would cry, and my dad would make fun of us.

"Mom, I need to do a bit more studying. I'll call you tomorrow okay?" I said, my voice shaking. I attempted to swallow the huge lump in my throat. No such luck.

"Okay… I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow… I love you." She replied. I could hear the disappointment in her voice, and it killed me.

"I love you too, mom. I will talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

I hung up the phone. Wiping tears from my face. College is supposed to be fun. Why was I so homesick? I hated this.


	7. But death had told her so the first

**Author's Note: **Hey guys. Sorry I didn't get this post up last night. My night was kind of busy. However here it is. I hope I can get another one up later. No promises. Enjoy. Reviews are welcome and encouraged. As always.

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**I hung up the phone. Wiping tears from my face. College is supposed to be fun. Why was I so homesick? I hated this.**

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The next day of class looked more promising. I sat down in my seat as people flooded in. I guess some people did care, better late than never. I watched Ashley intently. She looked upset, or just in deep concentration. I hadn't decided yet. The class went on, not sure how much I heard Mrs. Carver say, I was too busy molesting Ashley with my eyes. I needed to stop. I couldn't pull myself away from her though. She was a beautiful distraction. I felt my mind wandering to all the things I wish I could do to her. Hold her hand. Kiss her lips. Run my hands through her hair. I felt as though the room had grown suddenly quiet.

"MS. CARLIN!" Mrs. Carver yelled.

I jumped a little and looked around, eyes all watching me.

I chanced a look at Ashley. Who was now blushing. Fuck my life. I had been caught staring.

"Y-yes?" I stammered.

"I asked you to please read the excerpt on page 131." Mrs. Carver stated. Obviously unimpressed with my lack of attention.

I glanced the page quickly.

'—I meant to tell her how I longed  
For just this single time;

But death had told her so the first,

And she had hearkened him.—'

I felt my heart beat uneasy. Emily Dickinson's work always did that to me.

"Very good Ms. Carlin. Now tell me what it means." She seemed amused with herself.

"Well, to me, the girl in the poem represents someone with who the author was close. I think the person passed away, before the author could explain how she felt. Death defeating her words before they were spoken. A lot of Emily's stuff has a darker underlying meaning. Very powerful." I answered promptly with little to no thought. I had already read and analyzed this poem. She was one of my favorite poets.

Mrs. Carver's look was priceless. Wish I could have taken a picture.

"Well…" She started.

"If you all flip to page 145 there is a passage I want us to read together." She continued, without even acknowledging that I had just owned her so bad!

I smirked, and glanced over at Ashley who was smirking as well.

I tilted my head a little and smiled. I almost died when I saw her blush and smile shyly back. I felt as though her looks were flirtatious. I gave her a slight questioning glance. My jaw dropped as she smirked and raised an eyebrow. SHE WAS FLIRTING! Just then the bell rang, which was slightly depressing. I decided I would make an approach, she wasn't going to win this. I walked over to her desk as Mrs. Carver dealt with other students. I grabbed a post-it note and wrote down a message.

'Stop drooling, I'm unattainable ;)'

I'm not sure where the courage came from, but I handed it to her and headed towards the door.

I turned around just as she read it, and watched her jaw drop. I smirked and went on my way.

As soon as I stepped out of the classroom I closed my eyes and began breathing again. I couldn't believe I had just done that. What if she wasn't flirting? What if she turns the note into Mrs. Carver?! What if I just got myself into a world of shit? Fuck. I was so stupid. I'm all for spontaneity, but I should have thought that one through.

I peeked my head around the corner, Ashley was still looking at the note intently. I then saw her slide it into her purse. She didn't appear alarmed. I breathed a sigh of relief, hoping she was keeping it for herself, and not the dean.


	8. Hush Hush

**Author's Note: **Hey guys. I know this chapter is short, but I figured you'd like it vs. nothing ya know? Enjoy. More tomorrow hopefully. Reviews are welcome.

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**I peeked my head around the corner, Ashley was still looking at the note intently. I then saw her slide it into her purse. She didn't appear alarmed. I breathed a sigh of relief, hoping she was keeping it for herself, and not the dean.**

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I called my mom again when I got back to my dorm. We both ended up crying. A few minutes after I got off the phone, there was a knock at my door. I got up and opened it. Before me stood a short slender brunette girl.

"Hi, I'm Jennifer. Your roommate. You're Spencer Carlin right?" She asked, very perky.

"Yeah, I am. Hi Jennifer, it's nice to meet you." I smiled and moved out of the way. She started bringing in her stuff and I helped.

"So what brings you to Devinson?" She attempted to make small talk.

"I want to get into writing." I smiled casually at her. She was very cute. Great. My roommate and my teacher's intern are both very attractive. My life is a sick twisted joke.

"ME TOO!" She exclaimed, thrilled.

"What do you write? If you don't mind me asking…" I drifted off.

"Oh I don't mind at all. Poetry and short stories, mostly." She flashed me a huge grin.

"I write poetry too." I smiled back.

We chatted all night, while arranging our stuff around the dorm. She made dinner, she ended up being a pretty good cook.

"So do you have a boyfriend?" She asked as we sat eating supper.

I gulped. I didn't want things to be weird because I was gay.

"No…" I left it at that, for now.

"What about you?" I asked in return.

"Well I'm not really into guys. Hope that's okay with you…" She trailed off.

I almost jumped out of the chair in joy.

"Actually me neither, I didn't want to spring that on you when you just got here. But yeah, I'm gay…" I smiled shyly.

"That's awesome! Just another thing we have in common." She smirked and stood up from the table. She began washing the dishes when I heard her humming a familiar tune.

"Are you humming Hush Hush? By The Spill Canvas?" I asked, eyes wide.

"Yeah why?" She chuckled.

"Sorry, just not a lot of people know anything by them, outside of All Over You and All Hail the Heartbreaker." I don't know why I was so amazed. Guess it was just nice knowing my roomie and I wouldn't be fighting over music. I instantly had a soft spot for the girl. This year was going to be just fine. If I could only get over this Ashley bullshit.


	9. Bertha?

**Author's Note: **Sorry about the delay guys. I know it's ruuuuude and such. Just been really busy with work. Longer chapter than usual. Enjoy.

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"Sorry, just not a lot of people know anything by them, outside of All Over You and All Hail the Heartbreaker." I don't know why I was so amazed. Guess it was just nice knowing my roomie and I wouldn't be fighting over music. I instantly had a soft spot for the girl. This year was going to be just fine. If I could only get over this Ashley bullshit.

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I found my mind still on Ashley that night when I climbed into bed. I guess the roommate wasn't quite amazing enough to make her dissipate from my mind. I felt like my relationships would forever be tainted by her. I'd always end up comparing every girl I met to her. This whole thing sucked. Sleep took over and I wasn't ready to get up when my alarm sounded at 6am. Who schedules class for 8 in the morning? Insane. Okay, in perspective it's not THAT insane. But I had slept restlessly and upon waking I was exhausted. I walked past the bathroom to find my roommate standing there clad only in underwear and a bra. My jaw dropped and I tried to pull my eyes away.

"Morning, Spence. What's wrong?" She asked as she straightened her hair.

"N-nothing." Stuttering always gives me away.

"You sure? You look like you just saw a ghost." She said casually as she continued doing her hair.

"Heh, ghost. Well I need to go get my clothes out of the dryer. Yep. Bye." I began to walk away. I then remembered something.

I returned to the doorway. Taking in the sexy view once more.

"Jenny.."

"Hmm?"

"Why are you up at 6 in the morning…?" I shifted my eyes.

"Oh because I have English at 8." She replied with a smile

"Oh okay." I walked off. Only to return once more to the bathroom doorway.

"English at 8?" I asked in shock.

"Yes? Why?" She chuckled at how weird I was being.

"With Mrs. Carver?" I quizzed.

"Yes.." She seemed alarmed by my questioning.

"We totally have class together!!" I got excited. It was kind of nice to know I wouldn't be in a room full of strangers anymore.

I liked the idea of being able to have something to share with my roomie. Not only a passion for writing, but an outlet for it. And the opportunity to learn.

We both finished getting ready and headed to class. Along the way we talked about movies we had seen and laughed.

"Yeah! Did you see the part where he was like 'Bertha? Is that you?' and then he gets beheaded!! So well played. Points for the writer of that plot!" Jen laughed.

"Ew. No, that part was so gross! It was like the ketchup factory had a meltdown. Disgusting tomato like product, EVERYWHERE." I shook my head and cringed.

"You are such a pussy, Spence. It was so bomb!" She retorted.

"Pussy? Really? Jennifer your extensive vocabulary blows my mind. You bright and promising scholar, you." I teased her, which earned me a glare. I laughed casually as we arrived to the door of class. I spotted Ashley immediately. Her hair was down today, casting gently over her shoulders. I felt butterflies course through me.

Jenny and I took our seats. I didn't want to chance too many looks in Ashley's direction, for fear of being caught by the roomie.

"She's cute, isn't she?" Jennifer whispers knowingly.

Fuck. Busted.

"Yeah, she's alright I guess." That's right Spence, play dumb. Works every time, almost all of the time. Heh.

"Alright? Are we looking at the same girl here? She is beyond alright." Jennifer seemed shocked. Maybe I'm doing a good job playing it cool.

"Yeah, but she's the intern so it's like immediately not sexy. Obviously." Smooth Spencer.

"The intern? Then why is she sitting in a desk like us? I thought Ms. Davies was the intern…" Jennifer looked puzzled.

I took this time to quickly assess her line of sight. She was definitely looking at the short brunette a few rows down, in the same locality of Ash. Oops.

"Oh…" Spencer, you're an idiot. It's official.

"Wait… you were looking at Ms. Davies?" I watched realization wash over Jen's face. How the hell did she already manage to figure out that this wasn't a first time thing, and that I had the hots for our intern. Play dumb, do it. You're good at it Spence.

"What? Yeah, I thought you were too. My bad, obviously she's like a teacher almost. So she's not you know, sexy. Cause you know? Yeah." What the fuck did I just say?

"Oh my God, you like the intern!" Jen whispered with a grin.

Did I mention fuck my life? If not, fuck my life.

"Look you can't say anything" I looked at her with pleading eyes. Who was she going to tell? Well you never know.. better safe than sorry.

"Who am I going to tell?" She read my mind like an open book. A dumb book at that. I fail.

Jennifer began writing something down, so I took this chance to look at Ashley. Her smile sent shivers down my spine. I felt like a kid experiencing puppy love for the first time. I smiled when I thought of how high school of me, this was. How much it took me back to sappy love poems. Who knows… She may become the inspiration for some new work.

Inspiration. She was very inspiring. I had this feeling come over me, a realization that this class was going to teach me so much more beyond Shakespeare and Neruda. I played with the idea briefly, before taking some notes. I sighed softly. Oh Spence, what have you gotten yourself into now…


	10. She's a KnockOut

**Author's Note: **Hey guys. Here's Chapter 10. Enjoy enjoy! Reviews are welcome as always.

* * *

Inspiration. She was very inspiring. I had this feeling come over me, a realization that this class was going to teach me so much more beyond Shakespeare and Neruda. I played with the idea briefly, before taking some notes. I sighed softly. Oh Spence, what have you gotten yourself into now…

* * *

I heard a knock at the door. Jennifer was out with some friends, so I approached the door in confusion. I opened it to find a very wet Ashley Davies standing before me.

"A- Ms. Davies?" Nice Spence, seem like a stalker. Call her Ashley. Dumbass.

"Hey Spencer…" She smiled crookedly.

"What are you doing here? And I take it, it's raining…?" I was so confused.

"Yeah, but that's not the only reason I'm wet…." She moved closer.

Before I could even process what was going on, her lips were on mine.

I moaned softly into her kiss. I didn't know why she was here, or why her lips were on mine, but I really didn't give a fuck.

I pulled her wet shirt over her head and guided her to the kitchen table. What? It was close, and convenient.

I grabbed her legs and slammed her on top of it. She laughed into my kiss.

"A girl who likes it rough. I definitely can't complain." She mumbled in between passionate kisses.

My hands explored her body before finding the button on her pants. Whose idea was it to invent pants anyways? I say living without pants would be so much simpler. I began to get frustrated with the button.

"What the fuck? Is this shit super glued on?!" I climbed off of her and struggled with the button.

She laughed loudly and reached down and unbuttoned it with ease.

"Could you have made that look a little more difficult? For me?" I sighed.

"Spencer." Ashley said calmly.

"Yeah?" I looked up at her.

"SPENCER!" She screamed, her voice seemed off.

"WHAT?!"

I woke up in a panic, causing me to head butt Jennifer.

"Oh my fucking God! OW OW OW!" Jennifer held her head, cringing.

"Oh my, I am so sorry! Are you okay?" I guided her to sit down on the bed. I pulled her hand away from her forehead to notice a lovely bruise forming. Good job Spence. You are on a roll lately.

"We need to get some ice on that pronto! Or else you are going to have a second head coming in, and I'm not sure how you feel about that." I ran to get ice. When I came back, Jennifer was laying on the bed, eyes closed, still holding her head.

"I'm really sorry Jennifer." I felt horrible. I've known this girl, what? All of three days? And I'm already causing her bodily harm. What is wrong with me?

"It's okay, I was just concerned, you were like trying to wrestle an alligator in your sleep, or something." She replied as she placed the ice on her forehead and inhaled sharply.

"Wrestle an alligator? Heh. Yeah…" I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I did not appreciate Ms. Davies making a guest appearance in my R-Rated dreams. Although she was very sexy. Ugh. I need a cold shower.

"How's your head babe?" I felt so bad, and abusive.

"I think I'm going to live. You so owe me, punk." She smiled, and then cringed.

"Does smiling hurt?" I frowned.

"Eh, my head just hurts. I'll be fine. No worries. Mind if I crash here though, I don't feel like getting up and walking to my bed."

"Of course, I'll get the floor." I smiled at her.

"Oh hell no, this bed is plenty big enough for the both of us, now get your ass over here… but turn off that nonsensically bright light first." She demanded. I listened, it's the least I could do, I damn near left the girl concussed.

Upon climbing into bed, I felt uncomfortable. Put yourself in my shoes for a moment if you will. Attractive girl, possibly concussed (which was my fault), in close proximity. Déjà vu. Not sure why… Hmm.

The morning came fast enough for my liking. I needed to get out of the apartment, away from this school, away from Ashley, away from these stupid fucking feelings.

I rubbed Jen's head before getting out of bed and getting dressed.

As I pulled a shirt over my head I heard a groan come from Jennifer. I smiled over at her as she switched positions and remained slumbering. I wrote her a note…

'Hey Jennifer, I'm going into town for a while. Call me if you want to meet up. Sorry about last night. Feel better. – Spencer'

With that I grabbed my keys and made my way to the car. I so needed this, beyond the norm. I just had to get away. Had to.


	11. Inspiration

**Author's Note: **Hey guys. Chapter 11, presented via, um, me. Enjoy kiddies. Reviews are welcome as always :)

* * *

With that I grabbed my keys and made my way to the car. I so needed this, beyond the norm. I just had to get away. Had to.

* * *

Know what I've noticed? The radio plays all the songs you don't want to hear. I may have changed the channel forty-seven times. And yelled at it. And eventually turned it off. But it was necessary. So now I'm driving in silence. I just wish I could get Ashley off of my mind. Last ditch effort with the radio.

'I've been looking for love in another's eyes  
Searching for water, but I come up dry  
Thought that I could find  
Happiness in the world's applause  
Peace of mind in a worthy cause  
Take me back, take me back  
Got to trust in the simple truth  
Got to trust all I really need is you'

Really? Fuck you 107.2, fuck you in the antenna. Prick.

I shut the radio off once more. Why is there music playing still? Oh that's my cellphone. Smooth. Heh.

"Hello? Oh, hey Jen. No I'm just getting into town now. Where do you want to meet up at? Café Consuelo? Sounds good. See you there."

I hang up. Café Consuelo… where is that at? Eh, I'm sure I'll find it.

So finding it didn't come as easy as I would have liked. In fact, two hours of searching led to a disgruntled call from Jen. What? I don't like admitting I can't find something. So manly of me. I don't need a map or directions. Blah blah blah.

I pulled up to Café Consuelo. Did I mention that I passed this place about seven times? Yep, I'm officially dumber than I thought. Oh well.

"Hey, sorry about the delay. I passed this place so many times." I shifted nervously on my feet.

"It's fine, don't worry about it." She smiled at me. Such a sweet girl.

We took a seat in the café and began discussing the final project.

"So, what are you thinking of doing it on?" I asked as I took a bite of my club.

"Well, I don't know. It's such a cool idea. I think it's going to be fun, but I definitely need to find some sort of inspiration."

"I agree, obviously it's going to be interesting. I plan to incorporate some of my writing into it. Gosh, I'm so excited." I spaced out thinking about it.

Jennifer poked cautiously at her food.

"Hey, Spence.." She started.

"Yeah?" I looked at her intently.

"Do you think I could maybe read some of your stuff some time?" She smiled crookedly.

I froze up. I didn't deal well with people reading my work. I never really showed anyone any of my stuff.

"Well…" I began.

I didn't want to hurt her feelings, it was just so personal for me. Writing always worked like some sort of drug for me.

It helped when I was sad, mad, confused, and like a narcotic it was addictive. I was hooked, and without it I didn't fair well.

"Jen… writing is so personal for me. It's not that I don't trust you to read it; it's just so open for me. My writing leaves me so exposed, so naked to anyone who reads it. I just don't know if I'm ready for that. I'm sorry." I looked at her diffidently.

She smiled warmly. Not too shabby. Guess I haven't completely made things awkward.

"No worries, Spence. I understand. It makes sense." She continued smiling.

I felt better, knowing she was okay with it. Knowing she understood how sacred poetry can be. Especially for me. It was my life. I breathed poetry. For someone else to get why it is so exposing, why it is so bare, yet so intricate and rudimentary at the very same time, made me smile even more. I knew Jennifer and I were going to have a blast this year. Somewhere deep down I guess I kind of hoped roommates would turn into something more as time evolved. But I wasn't sure if I wanted it because it would be nice for us, or for more selfish reasons.

Ashley still weighed heavily on my mind, like this dark cloud hovering incessantly over me. Trick was, could I find that damn silver lining everyone talks about? And once I found it, would it be worth the inundation?


	12. The Shore

**Author's Note: **Hey guys, here's Chapter 12. Enjoy. Reviews are welcome, and encouraged, as always.

* * *

Ashley still weighed heavily on my mind, like this dark cloud hovering incessantly over me. Trick was, could I find that damn silver lining everyone talks about? And once I found it, would it be worth the inundation?

* * *

'The morning sun casts gently over shallow shores.

I'm not sure I can recall the beach ever looking this alone.

The water it's only friend, hugging it closely.

As my feet remain firmly planted in the sand,

The smell of sea salt off the ocean is evocative.

My heart's steady strike thrown off balance by nostalgia.

Your face like a Polaroid in my mind.

Each detail graved with care and assurance.

I can almost taste your lips, mixed with the cool air.

Yet empty promises plague this shore.

My safety thrown out to sea with each tide.

I am --'

Ctrl+A+Delete. I sigh. Ms. Davies, you're tainting my writing. I stare briefly at the now empty document before me. Resembling a blank canvas. Endless possibilities, vulnerability, exposure. I suppose this whole thing could be worse. I would definitely be lying if I said this was always a bad situation. It wasn't. Some days I didn't mind liking Ashley. Some days.

A knock on my bedroom door snaps me out of my thoughts. Jennifer pokes her head in.

"Hey, you still up?" She whispers.

I chance a quick look at the time. 4:27am. Sheesh, do I ever sleep? Oh, right, Jennifer. She's waiting for an answer.

"Nope, this is a mirage. I am sound asleep." I smirk at her as a bright smile creeps across her face. Even in the darkness of my room her grin stood out.

I place my laptop on my nightstand and motion for her to come in.

I begin to reach blindly for the light next to my bed when I feel her hand stop me.

"Leave it off…" She whispers. The tone in her voice sent chills through me.

"Headache, still?" I whisper back, followed by a gulp.

"No…" She responds as she climbs under the covers next to me.

I inhale, because I'm pretty sure I had been holding my breath. I can feel her body's warmth mingling with my skin. Her hand meets mine under the covers.

I look quickly at her. My eyes adjusting to the lack of light. I stare intently into deep green eyes. I see arousal bouncing like a flame behind them. I move in closer, her breath falling warm on my lips.

"Spence…" She says softly.

"Yeah?" I reply, even quieter.

I then feel her hand in my hair, pulling me slowly into the kiss. Her lips were the softest I had ever felt. Granted I hadn't kissed many. Sweet, sensual kisses turned passionate. I couldn't feel close enough to her. I slowly straddled her as her warm hands rubbed my lower back. Her mouth sought out my neck, eliciting a desperate moan from me.

"That feels so good…" I whispered in her ear.

Her breath hitched slightly, but she continued kissing and sucking my neck.

I felt her hands begin lifting my shirt above my head and I made no effort to stop her. Let's face it, my t-shirt looks much better next to the carpet anyways.

My collarbone was met with soft lips. I whispered a plea into Jennifer's ear, and it didn't take long before I was looking up at the ceiling.

I faintly remember Jennifer asking me more than once if I was sure. I can only remember nodding, because I didn't quite trust myself with words. Not with how entirely aware I was of every part of my body, because they were all on fire, and alive with her touch.

My mind flashed images of Ashley, and I cursed myself for thinking of her when it was Jennifer's touch that managed to find every tender spot on my body.

I felt her hands press down on my hips as she kissed me deeply. I responded by pushing up into her. Hard.

My hands worked themselves into her hair as I inattentively explored her mouth with my tongue.

I felt her hand leave my hip, en route to the waist band of my boy shorts. I stopped her, as this moment became all too familiar.

"I-I'm sorry." I stuttered an apology as tears burned behind my eyes.

"Spence? Are you okay?" Concern washed over Jennifer's face.

I tried to swallow the huge knot that had made itself at home in my throat.

"I just…" I began.

Emotions overtook me. I burst into tears. I felt Jennifer position herself next to me and begin running her hands through my hair, not even questioning my actions.

But had she questioned them, how would I explain? How could I possibly speak of the scars left so many years ago? Scars that never fully healed, rendering me impossible to another's touch. How could I explain all of that?

I couldn't…


	13. All We Are

**Author's Note: **Hey guys, here's Chapt. 13 Sorry about the delay, busy with work and such. Enjoy. Reviews, always welcome.

* * *

But had she questioned them, how would I explain? How could I possibly speak of the scars left so many years ago? Scars that never fully healed, rendering me impossible to another's touch. How could I explain all of that?

I couldn't…

* * *

My eyes remained closed as I felt someone else's on me. Burning through me. I opened just one eye. So stealthy. Ha.

"Good morning sunshine." Bright green eyes peered at me, as a smile washed over Jen's face.

"Hey" I replied groggily, rolling over to check the time.

I sat up quickly, it was 11am. I definitely had class at 9am. I jumped up, trying to locate my shirt.

I hear a giggle come from behind me. I turn around.

"What's so funny?" I question.

"Class was cancelled, hun. Your teacher, Mr. Brooksfield called. Family emergency or something." She smiled at me. I smiled back. She was a great girl. What was I doing? I was going to let this wonderful girl slip away, all because I liked a girl, a woman, who could never like me back. Not that she even wanted to like me back, but if by some chance she did, she still couldn't.

"Listen Jen, about last night, I—" She cut me off with a head shake.

"Spence, it's fine, you don't owe me an explanation." She reasoned. I smiled and left it alone. Who was I to decide whether or not she needed an explanation, obviously she didn't think one was necessary. I wish I could tell her. Expose my soul to her like it didn't matter, but I was never that courageous… never that secure with myself.

Memories flashed briefly. His hands on me. His lips on mine. I felt nausea take me over. I swallowed the aversion that filled my senses.

I needed some fresh air, or to be shot. Hadn't decided which yet. I was leaning more towards shot when Jen's voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

"You're looking a little on the pale side, Spence. You feeling okay?" She seemed genuinely concerned. I smiled and nodded.

Excuse Spencer, come up with an excuse. Get yourself out of this suddenly too small apartment.

"I'm going to go into town, buy a few things, want me to get you something while I'm there?" Good job. I'm proud of ya.

I watched contemplation dominate Jen's face for a brief moment.

"Nah, I'm good. Thanks though." She smiled.

"Nah?" I laughed.

"Yeah, it means no…?" She looked at me confused.

I laughed again before getting ready.

I walked aimlessly around town. Partly trying to learn my way, mostly trying to forget. I wasn't really paying attention to anything going on. Story of my life. I stumbled back as someone else's body collided with my own… guess they weren't paying attention either.

I muttered an apology before looking up. My apology ceased with my breathing as I met warm brown eyes. Ashley Davies.

"A- Ms. Davies…" Good job Spencer, call her Ashley, like in the dream. Too bad this is reality.

"Spencer, I am so sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going." Neither was I.

I smiled crookedly. I did a once over. I had gotten used to seeing her in work clothes, so I found myself a bit thrown off by her casual attire. She was wearing a tight black tank top, and low rise jeans. I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat upon seeing her well defined hip bones. Suck it up Spence, she's just really fucking hot. No big deal.

"So what are you doing here in town?" She asked sincerely.

Odd, didn't know you could be social with students who wanted you in or around their mouth.

I thought frantically. I needed to think of something that would give her a reason to tag along. Anything.

"Grabbing a bite to eat." Lunch, always a good way to get someone to join ya.

Take the bait Davies, you know you want to.

"Ever been to Planet Omni?" Planet who? Was that an invitation? Sounds like it.

"Can't say that I have." I smiled. Please offer to expand my planet social circle. Take me to the big P.O. Please.

"Want to go?" I'm sorry, what? Did she really invite me? I was kidding. Oh my God.

Her demeanor seemed flirtatious. This spelled trouble, with a capital F-U-C-K-E-D.

Pause, contemplate, don't seem so interested.

After a moment of internal argument I came to a conclusion.

"Sure." I smiled. Great. This was possibly the worst idea ever.

She nodded. "Good. I'll drive." And with that she was off to her car. I staggered behind like a lost puppy in love. God, how I wanted to be on her leash.

The drive was quiet, with the exception of the music that flowed smoothly out of her speakers. The song was beautiful, and it mixed perfectly with the gentle octave of her voice.

'And I've got all that I need, right here in the passenger seat.

Oh and I can't keep my eyes on the road, knowing that she's inches from me.'

I glanced down. Yep, in the passenger seat.

I let her voice gently lull me to sleep. Soothing and calm. I was falling quickly for her, much quicker than I would like. I couldn't stop this though. She was amazing, carefree, intelligent, beautiful, kind, everything. Everything one looks for in another person, they could find it in her. I don't think she'd ever get it, I don't think she'd ever see what I see. I wanted so bad for her to understand. She wasn't like anyone else; she was so much more than that.


	14. I Could Use Somebody

**Author's Note: **Wow, hey guys. Sorry about the SUPER delay in posts. I know I have been horrible. If you all are still keeping posted I really appreciate it. My life got rather hectic and these past two months have been chaotic. I hope you enjoy the super long post. I hope it gets me on your guys good side again! Enjoy. Reviews are mucho appreciated.

* * *

I let her voice gently lull me to sleep. Soothing and calm. I was falling quickly for her, much quicker than I would like. I couldn't stop this though. She was amazing, carefree, intelligent, beautiful, kind, everything. Everything one looks for in another person, they could find it in her. I don't think she'd ever get it, I don't think she'd ever see what I see. I wanted so bad for her to understand. She wasn't like anyone else; she was so much more than that.

* * *

I felt a hand gently caress my leg, immediately my mind went to all the wrong places. I opened one eye slowly, only to find Ashley peering softly at me.

"Hey Spence, we're here." She smiled gently.

I yawned and stretched, what little I could anyways, considering how small her car was.

I stumbled out of the car, smooth like butter, lemme tell ya.

The café looked very nice on the outside, modern, but not obnoxious.

She led the way, and I followed. When we walked in, I was moderately taken aback by it's comforting nature. It was one of those places, you know the ones. The kind of place you go to when you need to get away from the world. When you need a second to breathe, and remember why you are who you are. I liked it.

We sat down, and I took a moment to stare intently at her. She was too busy eye-ing the menu to notice. A waiter walks up, takes one look at her, and turns into a puddle of some icky substance. I was appalled.

"Hi, what can I get for you gorgeous?" He smiled, his tight jeans making it evident that he had nothing good to offer her. Back off twinkie.

"How about, you give us a minute." I butted in. Harsh maybe, but totally necessary.

Ashley seemed slightly thrown off guard by my sudden change in tone.

"We're not quite ready yet.." She trailed off, looking at me with concern.

"Okay, I'll be back shortly." His voice seemed to have an annoyed tone in it. Not that I cared, he sucked.

"Sorry about that, I just didn't like how he was looking at you. Like you're some sort of object. Because, you're not." I mustered up as much sincerity as I could. I wanted her to know I was serious. That she was beautiful, wonderful, and beyond eye candy. That she was everyone's ideal match, the girl you fall asleep thinking of. That girl.

"Well that's sweet Spencer, but I am a single woman, and he is of the male species. It's only natural for the two to correlate." She smiled endearingly.

"I know, but…" I left it at that. She was right, she was single. I had no control over her. I just hated that someone else's eyes ever saw her in a light like that. I guess I was jealous. That anyone's eyes ever saw her at all. I wanted to be the only person who looked at her, who got to breathe her into my senses.

"So Planet Omni… odd name." I made small talk, trying to ease the tension.

"Actually, I like it. It's fitting." She replied, looking around the spacious Café.

I gave her a questioning look.

"Omni… it's Latin for all." She explained.

I nod, smooth move Spence. I'm a dumbass, no big deal.

"I don't know, for me it's just nice to know there's a place where whoever you are, whoever you like, it doesn't matter. You can be yourself, worry free. I've been coming here for years." She continued.

Wait did I hear her right? Whoever you like? Is she implying something? God I hope so.

"It is a nice though, I agree. With so much judgment in this world, we all could use a place to escape." I smiled.

Just as I felt our connection catching fire, the wick was doused. By a dickhead, er, lovely waiter guy.

"You guys ready yet?" He deadpanned. So freakin' rude.

"I'll have the turkey club. With an Iced Tea please." She smiled politely and handed him her menu.

"That sounds good, I think I will have the same." I forced a smile. What? I didn't want the kid spitting in my food.

Leave. Leave. Leave. Stop staring. Wipe the drool. Fuckin' leave.

He departs. Thank God.

"Anyways, yeah that's exactly what I mean. This place is great." Ashley says, almost as if wick wetter hadn't showed up.

I'm not one to be presumptuous, but I saw an opportunity. Hell yes, I took it.

"Yeah, we should definitely come here more often." I stared at the table for a moment.

Okay, maybe that was a bit beyond presumptuous. Oh well.

She seemed to pause for a moment. Contemplation?

"You know… I think I'd like that." She smiled, and I think part of me melted inside.

I was slowly beginning to realize that this was entirely different. Every glance, stolen or not, changed my life by the moment.

I guess I was like a sunflower in a field sheltered from light.

She became my sun, and I became addicted.

Ever feel like you have no control over your own life? Like you are just buckled in for the ride? I felt like that now.

As much as I wanted to shy away from her radiance, and continue my life as a flower in the dark, I couldn't. She wouldn't let me, even though she wasn't even doing anything.

I just couldn't deny her ambiance. Not even for a moment.

Lunch came to a halt all too quickly. Only fair, because all good things must come to an end right? Which is scary. Does that mean this amazing feeling will end too?

The walk back to her car was something straight out of a movie. You know where there's some cheesy love song playing obnoxiously in the background, and it's beautiful and perfect. It was like that, minus the icky love music crap.

I found myself pressed against the passenger side of her car, her arms blocking me from moving on both sides, not that I minded.

I should kiss her. I should. I keep telling myself to do it, but I'm not moving. Okay, that's it. Do it.

I lean in slowly, and so does she.

Okay pause, picture this with me if you will. You know those first cracks of fireworks on the fourth of July? This wasn't like that, at all.

More like a very sparkly man, of the Edward Cullen type, throwing a bedazzled grenade into a pit of rainbow confetti. Yes, that's it. It was like that.

Our mouths worked perfectly together. So perfectly. This was far better than my dream, far, far better.

Her knee became cleverly placed between my legs. Sneaky girl.

Remember that grenade? The one covered in pretty jewels? Tossed in that big thing of confetti.. yes well, a similar grenade, of the same sort, was about to explode if I didn't slow this down. I pulled away, while I still had full use of my appendages and fine motor skills.

"What are the chances we could sneak back to my dorm without being seen by students who know you?" I ask, my voice thick with arousal.

"Slim to none. However, I bet we have a great chance of walking openly into my apartment." She smirked.

Yahtzee.

I kept my hand placed skillfully between her legs for the ride home. Moving it ever so slightly just to hear her inhale sharply. Her knuckles turned white as she gripped the steering wheel.

"Babe you're going to make me wreck, I can't focus." She struggled to speak.

It turned me on so much to see her this aroused. Suddenly the drive back to her place seemed unbearably long.

I leaned over and kissed her neck. I felt her lean into my kiss as a soft moan escaped her lips. Oh yes, I could definitely get used to this.

Before I realized it, we were at her apartment. I wondered briefly if I could make it inside before I attacked and/or stripped.

We practically sprinted to her door. I think along the way she mumbled something about picking up my car in the morning. I wasn't exactly listening.

She fumbled for her keys, and as we stumbled in the door, we found a guy sitting on her couch.

I stood motionless. There was an immediate tension I could sense, something saying that her and this guy, well, they had history.

"Ash –" He began.

"Aiden what are you doing here?" She seemed furious.

"I'm clean. I promise. I want to be a part of Kayden's life now." He explained himself.

Who was this Kayden character, and why did Aiden's use of drugs have anything to do with it?

"You've done this whole 'I'm clean' act enough times that you should invest stock into the fucking rehab center Aiden!" She retorted.

Remember that part where I said she seemed furious? I withdraw the seemed part. She's definitely pissed.

"He's my son too! You can't keep him from me Ash!" He said in anger.

Now this is where I need a drink.

I become nauseated. She has a son?

"WAIT! Wait, son?" I interrupt, fumbling with my own thoughts.

Ashley looked at me with apologetic eyes.

"I wanted to tell you, I – I did, but I… I just… I'm sorry." She whispered as she looked on the verge of tears.

I hugged her, because I didn't know what else to do. Then I said something I didn't even plan, or expect. Like my mouth just began speaking without my consent.

"He's a part of you. Your beauty, your charm, your grace… he's a part of that. Sometimes people come in two's. Packages. If I want you, he's a part of that too. I want you. All of you." I whispered my statement gently before sealing it with a kiss on her cheek.

I pull away to see tears staining her face and naturally I wipe them. Everything was just that, natural. At least when it came to her. There just wasn't hesitation, like everything that was meant to happen, just did. No second guessing.

I glance over at Aiden, and he looks seriously confused.

"What's going on here?" He looked at Ashley, waiting for an answer.

"Nothing Aiden, she's just a friend." She replied.

Ouch. Talk about words cutting like knives. That one was straight to the heart.

"Well where's Kayden? I want to see him." He tapped his foot impatiently.

"That's none of your business. Until you prove that you can stay clean I'm not letting you anywhere near him. Now get out." She stood unwavering.

"But Ash –" He started.

"Now Aiden! Just go…" She was livid, but emotional, and I wondered if she knew how evident it was.

With that he shoved past me and left. I sat down. I needed to think, to breathe. This changed everything, everything I thought I knew. Now, there was an entire new factor in this equation. Now there was Kayden.

The thought was almost more than I could bear. Was I ready for this? Had I bitten off more than I could chew? Because suddenly, it felt like I was choking.


	15. Youre gonna be the one that saves me

**Author's Note: **WOW! So I know it has been an UNREASONABLE amount of time since my last post. I am very sorry. Please find it in your hearts to forgive me. For those of you still giving a damn to keep reading, thank ya thank ya. I am really sorry guys. Life's been crazy. Reviews/Lashings are welcome!

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The thought was almost more than I could bear. Was I ready for this? Had I bitten off more than I could chew? Because suddenly, it felt like I was choking.

* * *

"Spence…" Ashley sounded so foggy. Distant.

I felt her sit next to me. I looked over at her, her eyes as distant as her voice. I felt like things became even more difficult than they already were. I promised her though, I swore I would accept him, because he's part of her. I was by no means ready to be a mom, but I couldn't explain how I felt about Ashley. I couldn't explain how it seems like my heart races and stops beating at the very same time.

I wondered if this was real, I mean obviously it has to be. I am awake, and alive, and this is real. I guess part of me wished it wasn't. Not because I thought he was a bad kid, or I faulted him for being brought into this world, but mostly because what was already a difficult situation, well, it just got substantially harder.

"How old is he?" I asked, my voice wavering.

"He's turning four soon.." She seemed heartbroken, possibly because after I promised I was okay with it, I was acting like I had just gotten hit by a train.

"He's at a good age, Ash." I smiled.

"I bet he's beautiful." I looked at her, as I saw her eyes light up. She loved her son, this was definitely evident.

"I want you to meet him. He's my baby, he's my everything. I love him so much, and you would love him too." She seemed to be growing more comfortable as she spoke of him.

"Kayden's a wonderful name." I encouraged her to talk more about him. I wanted to know everything.

"Yeah, Aiden wanted him to be named after him. I thought that was ridiculous, so I named him close to his name, just spelled with a Y." She chuckled. It was hollow, because when it came to Aiden, her heart seemed to crumble with every word.

"What happened with you and him?" I felt like I was asking my questions as if on egg shells. I didn't want to offend her, but I was so insanely curious to know.

"Ha, it's a LONG story. You sure you want to know?" She seemed less than thrilled to be discussing, but not opposed.

I nodded.

"Okay, it's not that extensive, but here goes. Aiden and I met at a party about six years ago. We were really good friends at first, just friends. One night we got a bit intoxicated, and I kissed him. One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. I was too drunk to suggest a condom at that point, and he was too much of a guy to suggest as well. A month or so later, I began feeling not well. I immediately sensed that there was something up, so I went to the doctor. I was informed that I was in fact pregnant." She smiled briefly, before it faded to a gaze I couldn't quite identify.

"What happened, then?" I pushed her to go on.

"Well, I told Aiden. He did the denial, 'it's not mine' bullshit. After I convinced him that he was the only one I had slept with, it sank in. That's when everything got way out of hand. He began using, and the drugs made him a totally different person. He's been in and out of Kayden's life since day one, and it bothers me because I want better for my son than that, but I don't want my kid growing up broken because he doesn't have a dad." I could see tears brimming, so I gently put my arm around her.

"Ash, I have news for you, kids grow up broken every day. No matter how much you do to stop it, something is working twice as hard against you. It's the people who are willing to fix the broken pieces of someone's life, that are worth keeping around. Not the ones who cause the damage. If Aiden can't get his shit together, he doesn't deserve Kayden OR you." I gripped her tightly as she began crying.

I wanted what was best for her, and her son. I couldn't understand how much I already felt attached. It was way too soon. Suddenly, I felt very constricted. Like I was confined in a very tiny room. I couldn't breathe, or think. What was this girl doing to me?

She wiped her tears before speaking.

"Where did you come from?" Curiosity plagued her face. As confusion plagued mine.

"Huh? What do you mean?" I questioned.

She inhaled and composed herself before speaking.

"Where did you come from Spencer Carlin? I had my whole life together, well, it was a mess, and possibly falling apart, but I have been doing my best to hold it together. You come into my life and within a small matter of time, you have managed to completely change everything I have known. It's by no means a bad thing, but what did I do to deserve your beauty?" She seemed in awe. I was possibly every shade of red invented, and then blended together.

I was speechless. I guess I didn't expect anyone to feel that way about me. You always long for that though, right? The person who finds you to be the most amazing person they have ever met. However, once you find the person who feels that way, what do you do? Because I fear I will never be able to explain that she had saved me, not the other way around.


End file.
